|as we sit and watch the world
||[Aug. 15th, 2006|09:19 pm]
|||||破晓 - 南拳妈妈||]|
it was three days, and i really don't know what i'm going to say, as i begin writing here.. so many things i could, but just wouldn't sound right, wouldn't show what i feel.
as we sit and watch the world, i look somewhere else and see a lot of things i don't understand. i see an old man who cries in the night, and people who treat him like an impaired little boy. i see a man disgruntled with life, complaining about the expensive medical treatment and comparing it to cheaper care in foreign lands, and forgets that it was in those foreign lands that he got attacked, stabbed, robbed.
i see people walking too and fro, as we all do, and sometimes its hard to wonder where they are going, what they will be doing, what their lives are like. who are the people they love, how much they love them, the feelings and thoughts that run through these people's heads, just as they sometimes run through ours.
but sometimes i feel the stab, i see the look in their eyes, i imagine what they may be feeling like, if only because i can never truely feel what they are feeling, from their perspective.. a reporter told me of how, wandering in the hospital on assignment, he saw a woman standing by the door in hospital garb, gazing upon the babies all laid out.. and he knew that she had a failed birth. raised his camera to capture her grief, only his assignment in mind, but then he felt her pain, somehow, inexplicably.. just then, she turned her gaize and caught his eye, nodded the smallest nod, and turned back.. he completed his assignment, but it taught him such a greater lesson..
i turn back to you who i love beside me, and i wonder how much i don't know.. the troubles you may keep, the silent hurdles you struggle over by yourself because nobody else can know.. i consider the trials i face alone by choice, and i remember that there are certain tests that i must face alone, and how i so often confuse them with the ones that i need friends to overcome..
i remember the times of pain that i had before, and wondered how it would have been like if you were by my side.. and of the things you had faced, and wish i could have been at your side too. what if we had known each other earlier? picturing a beautiful childhood and life, but its but a dream. i'm so glad i have all of you now, because if it were earlier or later, i don't know how it would have turned out. now, we have each other, and it's all that matters.
i think about the things in life that will try to tear us apart, so violently, the things of this universe that threaten.. and it tears inside and disallows tears. there are things i MUST worry about, or it could bring us all apart.. and its so hard to talk it out.
ahh. but i'm glad we're together now. at least we're together. at least we've got each other.